Sunday, 28 October 2012

I guess this is goodbye.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

My baby boy isn't so much of a baby any more. He's 16 months and has been toddling around for a while now. He's very happy but very demanding; a good sleeper in some ways (and at some times) but a terrible sleeper in others; he seems to enjoy nursery but hates the being left there part; physically quite ahead of the curve but but verbally a bit behind... like most living children, he's constantly changing, keeping me on my toes.

Snowflake, on the other hand...

I still miss my baby. I am still completely flummoxed by what happened. We're coming up to the third anniversary. Three years?! Three years! That's incomprehensible. I don't understand.

Life moves on, apparently.

Ironically, though, having a living child has brought me much closer to the real-life babylost community. I now have three good real-life friends who had stillbirths within four days of each other in 2010; I was (would have been?) due roughly 7 weeks before they were, so there was a short while in 2009 while all four of us were pregnant.

And of the crowd I'm in now, the babywearing, mostly long-term-breastfeeding, baby-led-weaning, hippy parenting group, nearly everyone is OK with us talking about our dead babies. (I'm sure not everyone really is, but noone's ever said anything even vaguely weird about it, and most of them say the right things and honour our lost children as we do, and send us facebook hugs when they're lost for words-and let's face it, sometimes that's all there is to do.)

I guess that the closer i draw to the real-life people who've been there, the less i feel drawn to share online.

So this is goodbye.

I'll leave my blog active until the end of November, after the third anniversary has passed. Then, barring a change of heart i guess, i'll take it down.

Three years ago, snowflake had already died, and i had no idea. I still feel like a terrible mother for that. I couldn't have known, and yet i still believe i should have.

Miss you, lovely. I wish you were here getting to know your little brother. I wish i knew who you were, who i lost. That's still the thing i find the hardest, the not-knowing.

If you want to stay in touch there's facebook and email. And if you watch my blogger profile there may be other blogs in the future... it's hard to say for sure but i've been blogging on and off for well over a decade, i don't think i'll ever stop completely.

I still remember your lost babies. I always will.

Love and light