Tuesday, 20 March 2012

a change of direction

I've been planning this blog post in my mind for a while. Then I read Angela's most recent blog post and decide it's spring and obviously the time for change.

I've been rather blocked with regards to this place, recently. As you may have noticed (... or maybe not), I haven't posted since November.

And it's not for lack of drafting blog posts in my brain. It's just that they never seem to make it out of my brain. Somewhere between my head and the keyboard, something goes wrong.

I think the problem is that I got caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. I don't feel like I belong either in the world of the babylost or outside of it. My tagline is currently 'adjacent to the land of the babylost', and honestly? That's how I feel. Like since I had J and he is here, alive and well, I don't belong in the world of glow any more. But neither do I belong to the world of mummy bloggers. (I've never read the genre of mummy bloggers. Just not interested in the genre, although I do read some blogs of people who are mummys.)

So what to do?

I think I need to draw a line in the figurative sand.

I'm going to blog about being a mummy. I'm going to blog about J and about motherhood. I will occasionally blog about how scary pregnant ladies are, and even sometimes about how I miss my snowflake, and how strange it is that some of the baby mums I'm now friends with I might have been friends with in another universe if our lost babies had lived (it's seriously weird).

I suspect that I'm going to lose some readers. I'm sorry about that. I'm going to blog about how being a mum is sometimes extremely hard. And I know how much I wanted to do physical violence to people who moaned about how hard being a mum was before, but it is hard - even though I wouldn't change J for the world - and sometimes I need to write about that. But I guess I need to warn those who are reading that they might want to stop :/

So, yeah. I'm still anxious, but less anxious. I'm still stressed, but simultaneously more and less so than before. I'm still me, but I'm different.


Oh, and I might move my babylost posts from my watching geordie life blog to this one. Has anyone done that, moved half their blog posts from one blog to another while leaving the rest as they are? Is it really hard?


mare said...

Hi b! Looking forward to reading. I can understand the adjacent feeling... Loss (and/or IF) add an extra twist to parenting. I feel the tension that the twist causes at times too.

Thank you for stopping by... I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I hope you and D and J are well. Xoxo.

Angela said...

Changing the focus is such a delicate thing, but sometimes it has to be done. And I think it's healthy in some ways, to change as your life changes, to continue growing as a writer and person.

I'll continue reading. I can't wait to see where you go from here.

sarah said...

The focus of my blog has changed as well...though, I guess I should say, the focus of my imaginary blog has changed, since I never seem to have time to actually WRITE and POST anymore now that I'm tiptoeing in the land of take-home-babies-who-never-sleep.

stinkb0mb said...

this is your space to do with as you please. it needs to be a place YOU feel comfortable writing because when you are it shows through in your writing.

those who love you and want to follow your journey regardless of where you are on it, will do so, no matter what you blog about. the ones who don't, yes they will leave but cest la vie, that's life, we find the people we need in our life at any given time for any length of time.


Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

This post speaks to my heart. I was thinking about blog-land the other day, and the amazing women I've met here, and how much has changed in my life and theirs since I started blogging. So really, of course our blogs change with us, if we choose to continue blogging anways.

Looking forward to reading about your experiences with parenthood. I agree that it is *hard* and that I wouldn't have wanted to read that after Acacia died and before Allie was born.


Hope's Mama said...

I've been on this other side of the fence for two and a half years now, so I totally get where you're coming from. And even more so, now I've had two babies after the loss of Hope. Everything changes, including the blog, and if I lose readers, then so be it.
I'll be reading along here for sure.

Captain Black said...

You can export your articles (posts and comments) from one blog and then import them into another, via a data file.

In one blog, go to "dashboard»settings»basic»blog tools»export blog". Then hit the "download blog" button and save the data file somewhere on your computer. Then on the other blog, go to "dashboard»settings»basic»blog tools»import blog". Load the XML file you saved earlier, then hit the "import blog" button.

In the mean time, I respectfully withdraw my subscription from this blog and wish you success with it. I'll still see you around on other social media, no doubt.

Illanare said...

What Rach said :-)

Aoife said...

It's inevitable that blogs evolve and change with their author. As someone who has not yet had a subsequent baby after losing my son, I find those who have, to be a source of hope rather than a source of pain. I suppose I feel parents who have been through such devastation deserve it. They've earned their babies, they are usually so so grateful, so appreciative and so sensitive to how others who have been through a loss might be feeling. In short, they just 'get it' And that makes it safe and ok for me to read about them. I'll still be reading with interest. xx

Jenn said...

Hi B, welcome back! I'll still be reading and looking forward to hearing how things are with you lately.

Catherine W said...

It's nice to hear from you B! I LOVE seeing photos and updates about your J over on the dark side too! He is such a dear little chap.

It's interesting, I supposed I've decided that I DO belong at glow? Or maybe I don't? I'm not sure. I think you can fit wherever you choose to fit or wherever you need to be on any particular day? No need to be one or the other. You belong at glow when you need to, you belong with writing about being a mummy when you need to? Just as you are both Snowflake's and J's mummy? No need to choose?

But I understand what you mean, between the devil and the deep blue sea, perhaps I was always there as I had J at the same time as G?

It is hard but often really good fun and the most satisfying job there is out there. Being a mum. Today J saved me one of her chocolates (ah!) then told me that she didn't like my hair (boo!) it's just so fascinating and lovely and tiring and maddening!

I'll still be here, I love your writing no matter what you choose to write about x