Sunday, 28 October 2012

I guess this is goodbye.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

My baby boy isn't so much of a baby any more. He's 16 months and has been toddling around for a while now. He's very happy but very demanding; a good sleeper in some ways (and at some times) but a terrible sleeper in others; he seems to enjoy nursery but hates the being left there part; physically quite ahead of the curve but but verbally a bit behind... like most living children, he's constantly changing, keeping me on my toes.

Snowflake, on the other hand...

I still miss my baby. I am still completely flummoxed by what happened. We're coming up to the third anniversary. Three years?! Three years! That's incomprehensible. I don't understand.

Life moves on, apparently.

Ironically, though, having a living child has brought me much closer to the real-life babylost community. I now have three good real-life friends who had stillbirths within four days of each other in 2010; I was (would have been?) due roughly 7 weeks before they were, so there was a short while in 2009 while all four of us were pregnant.

And of the crowd I'm in now, the babywearing, mostly long-term-breastfeeding, baby-led-weaning, hippy parenting group, nearly everyone is OK with us talking about our dead babies. (I'm sure not everyone really is, but noone's ever said anything even vaguely weird about it, and most of them say the right things and honour our lost children as we do, and send us facebook hugs when they're lost for words-and let's face it, sometimes that's all there is to do.)

I guess that the closer i draw to the real-life people who've been there, the less i feel drawn to share online.

So this is goodbye.

I'll leave my blog active until the end of November, after the third anniversary has passed. Then, barring a change of heart i guess, i'll take it down.

Three years ago, snowflake had already died, and i had no idea. I still feel like a terrible mother for that. I couldn't have known, and yet i still believe i should have.

Miss you, lovely. I wish you were here getting to know your little brother. I wish i knew who you were, who i lost. That's still the thing i find the hardest, the not-knowing.

If you want to stay in touch there's facebook and email. And if you watch my blogger profile there may be other blogs in the future... it's hard to say for sure but i've been blogging on and off for well over a decade, i don't think i'll ever stop completely.

I still remember your lost babies. I always will.

Love and light

Sunday, 24 June 2012

I am on the verge of deleting almost all of my blogs. Nothing has happened... I just want to wipe the slate clean. I am not good at decluttering. But I hardly blog any more. I don't feel the urge. There are so many other pressures on my time, and yet because the blogs are still here, I feel guilty about not updating.

If they aren't there, maybe I'll feel better?

Anyway, I just wanted to give you all fair warning.

If you want to keep in touch.... email me at burningthepast - at - gmail - dot - com - if you're on facebook give me a linky and I'll friend you if we've had contact in the past. 

Friday, 6 April 2012

You know those realisations that come from nowhere and completely blow your mind?

As a direct result of losing the baby i effectively ditched half my friends.

Leaving aside the rights and wrongs, the who-treated-who-like-crap and the you-should've-been-there-for-me... It meant that i had very few baby friends and none with babies the same age. I needed to make new ones and i did.

I also have babylost friends who have also gone on to have living children since.

It wasn't deliberate but they are nearly all Attachment Parenting mums.

If i hadn't lost s, well... I very much doubt that would have been the case. The mums i knew were very different and have very different parenting styles.

... I can't explain this properly. But i think i've ended up a far more responsive, confident mum than i would otherwise have been.

I think it's that thing about not being *glad* about what you've lost, that would be insane, but being thankful for the gifts your loss brings when you come across them.

Am i making any sense at all???

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

a change of direction

I've been planning this blog post in my mind for a while. Then I read Angela's most recent blog post and decide it's spring and obviously the time for change.

I've been rather blocked with regards to this place, recently. As you may have noticed (... or maybe not), I haven't posted since November.

And it's not for lack of drafting blog posts in my brain. It's just that they never seem to make it out of my brain. Somewhere between my head and the keyboard, something goes wrong.

I think the problem is that I got caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. I don't feel like I belong either in the world of the babylost or outside of it. My tagline is currently 'adjacent to the land of the babylost', and honestly? That's how I feel. Like since I had J and he is here, alive and well, I don't belong in the world of glow any more. But neither do I belong to the world of mummy bloggers. (I've never read the genre of mummy bloggers. Just not interested in the genre, although I do read some blogs of people who are mummys.)

So what to do?

I think I need to draw a line in the figurative sand.

I'm going to blog about being a mummy. I'm going to blog about J and about motherhood. I will occasionally blog about how scary pregnant ladies are, and even sometimes about how I miss my snowflake, and how strange it is that some of the baby mums I'm now friends with I might have been friends with in another universe if our lost babies had lived (it's seriously weird).

I suspect that I'm going to lose some readers. I'm sorry about that. I'm going to blog about how being a mum is sometimes extremely hard. And I know how much I wanted to do physical violence to people who moaned about how hard being a mum was before, but it is hard - even though I wouldn't change J for the world - and sometimes I need to write about that. But I guess I need to warn those who are reading that they might want to stop :/

So, yeah. I'm still anxious, but less anxious. I'm still stressed, but simultaneously more and less so than before. I'm still me, but I'm different.


Oh, and I might move my babylost posts from my watching geordie life blog to this one. Has anyone done that, moved half their blog posts from one blog to another while leaving the rest as they are? Is it really hard?